A few months ago, I won tickets to see Blink-182 on the first day of their world tour. I have been a Blink-182 fan since the late 90s. I have always had a complicated relationship with music; for me, music played a part in my religious trauma and some of the happiest moments in my life.

This will sound dramatic, but it feels like each moment I get in life to do something I never thought I would or indulge in something restricted before I decided to leave the church is healing me.

As an ultra-Christian youth, I loved the connection that music brought. Though, now, when I listen to that music, I see such a large connection to shame, self-hatred, and depression I felt. The beautiful music was filled with lyrics about how unworthy we were as people, even to be considered by the god we worshipped. I was very devout and dedicated to ensuring that all the music I listened to fit my paradigm. When I think about my life in my late teens and early 20s, I have great memories of hosting shows and bringing people together. The issue was the constant reminder of my “unworthiness” as a person. At some point, I will take the time in therapy to unpack that, but I am not 100% ready.

That said, Blink-182 spoke my language. Their music helped me safely understand depression. It helped me understand the reason for what was happening when I was incredibly happy on the outside but a wasted desert on the inside. There was a time that I hated living, and I couldn’t find joy any longer in what I was doing, so I had to change. I am so glad I did. I don’t think I would have survived another year otherwise.

Fuck, that was heavy. Here are some pictures from the show.

If you are struggling, there are resources for you.

Alcoholics Anonymous

CDC National HIV and AIDS Hotline
(800) 232-4636

Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline
(800) 422-4453

Crisis Text Line
Text HOME to 741741

Disaster Distress Helpline Online Peer Support Communities

Disaster Distress Helpline Videophone for American Sign Language Users (PDF, 180KB)

Gamblers Anonymous

Nacional de Prevención del Suicidio
(888) 628-9454

Narcotics Anonymous

National Domestic Violence Hotline
(800) 799-7233

National Grad Crisis Line
(877) 472-3457

National Sexual Assault Hotline
(800) 656-4673

National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
988
Chat online

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (Options for Deaf and Hard of Hearing)
For TTY Users: Use your preferred relay service or dial 711 then 988
Chat online

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration National Helpline
(800) 662-4357

Veterans Crisis Line
988, then PRESS 1
Text 838255
Chat online