As I write this on Easter of 2022, I am not sure if I will also finish it on this day. Before I tell you about my story of stepping away from my former faith in god and the Christian Church. This post is a bit of a word dump, but I hope it provides another tiny glimpse of who I was, and why I am the way that I am today.

I grew up in Germantown Philadelphia, and I was attracted to the idea of the church because it was a place where I could see my cousins, eat great food, and get away from home. My home wasn’t a bad place to be, but it always wasn’t the happiest place. I found solace in the repetition and tradition of a southern baptist church. As a child, it gave me some stability in the ever-changing environment at home. It should be said, I don’t remember my parents ever truly being involved in religion or church. It was always my own desire to go. We will fast forward past all of the boring stuff that happened in my life and jump forward to when I got SUPER involved in the Evangelical Church in Austin Minnesota. I know that is a drastic change in scenery, but believe me, it was harder for me than it was for you. You’ll adjust.

So fast forward to maybe 1997/98, I was in high school and I became very involved in The Vineyard church. The Vineyard is a pentecostal church, I’m not fully sure how I got so involved. There were huge benefits; I had instant friends, something to do almost every night of the week, and a common connection between everyone in our youth group. I spent at least 3 times a week at church, having fellowship, volunteering to raise money for the church, and truly having the best time. I was dedicated as well, I felt the importance of following the selective and easily understandable parts of the bible, and I never did anything that would be considered “sinful.” I was the model Christian, on the inside and the out, I was fully bought in and happy about it. So much so, that I decided that I wanted to lead in the church once I grew up.

I enjoyed my bubble, so I decided to enter another one was just the answer. When deciding on colleges, I wanted somewhere I could afford. Luckily it was the year 2000 so finding a good Christian school that aligned with my views wasn’t that difficult. I moved to Bemidji MN in the fall of 2000 and started my Bachelor’s Degree in Biblical Studies and Youth Counseling and Ministry. I was finally able to dive deep into the background of all things related to god.

I LOVED every year of college. It was the first time I was able to get away from the stress of my life at home, and I think for the very first time my mom was proud of me. I was killing it in college, I made the dean’s list every year and I never had a moment where I questioned what my life would be outside of college until my senior year. I took a class called Advanced Hermenutics, this class took a look at the 4 ways to interpret the bible. I had never considered this before. I had never thought about that before. We also studied the origins and compilation of the bible, and for me it was that class that shook me. I had never really questioned the process in complying the bible. I specifically remember talking about the Council of Nicaea and how they determined the godhood of Christ. Additionally, learning that the bible continued to be compiled as late as the 5th Centruy was a revelation for me. How could people so far removed from a time do a good job ensuring the accuracy of a text?

You want to know what I did with all of that doubt? Well, nothing. I knew that stepping away meant losing everything that I had worked so hard for. Friends, my degrees, the feeling of security? So, what I did was I stayed, honestly I stayed in my faith for about 6 months. I was offered a job right out of college at a behavior health facility, however, I turned it down. I had spent the last year counseling teens and I didn’t think I was cut out for it in the long run. So, I moved to Oregon. Because I needed to run away from all of these thoughts. I moved to Salem and lived in a house with two people who were not involved in church. I found a church to go to in Salem and I went there for about 3 months. I was finally living outside of my bubble, little did I know that it was going to burst open and change my life.

I decided to stop going to church. One day, I was having a discussion about acceptance of people and I was struggling with all of my previously held beliefs. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had been excluding people from my life, and that didn’t align with what I knew of the gospel. I was also so sad. This wasn’t a new feeling, but this was the first time that spending all of my time praying didn’t help. I decide to try another path. I did what every healthy, mildly attractive 21 year old does.

I danced in clubs, drank all of the liquor, and I embraced everything “worldly.” I sort of ran my self ragged before I moved back to Minnesota. I wasn’t really sure how to reenter MN without having friends so I considered my return back to MN, a return back to the church as well. I faked it for probably about a year. I asked god so many times to show me that he existed, that there was a benefit to continuing this journey. I should have known by then that my faith was gone. It wasn’t a single moment, it took YEARS to step away. I also originally did not want to because I knew that I would lose all of my friends. I was sitting by Lake Bade Makaska in Minneapolis and I wrote in my journal about how many things I would lose by stepping away. My friends, the community, the feeling of belonging, and things to do; I was going to lose my entire identity. So I quietly cried by the lake and decided that it was time, I couldn’t keep faking it and if my friends were really my friends then nothing would change. It turns out, the first thing I found out is that the only thing keeping those friendships alive was our common church connection.

So, me, the introvert had to make new friends. Ha, that is a journey that I have been on since, but I actually reconnected with a musician that I met at a show once. He had also stepped away from the church and he gave me a copy of the book Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. Siddhartha blew my mind. It opened my heart up to so many new ideas that it was jarring. The idea that everything that I was feeling was valid.

“You, Venerable One, may indeed be a seeker, for, striving toward your goal, there is much you do not see which is right before your eyes.”

Herman Hesse Siddhartha

The quote above was so instrumental to right sizing my life. I had never considered what it outside of my immediate grasp of knowledge. I spent so much time in a bubble that I never even considered that the world could be as vast as it is.

I could write much more, but I want to say, this was the hardest decision I ever made in my life. Even until this day. So, if you are thinking of making this choice, be prepared to grieve the loss of your faith, the loss of your relationship with god, it is a jarring experience. One thing I know people wonder is if I would ever encourage people to make this move.

Honestly, it is fucking hard, so it is up to you. There is comfort in faith, there is also a lot of hidden pain, and it is okay to question. It is also okay to stay despite your doubts.

I will leave you with one last Siddhartha quote.

“Therefore, it seems to me that everything that exists is good—death as well as life, sin as well as holiness, wisdom as well as folly. Everything is necessary, everything needs only my agreement, my assent, my loving understanding; then all is well with me and nothing can harm me.”

Siddhartha Herman Hesse