“I found god in my self, and I loved her/ I loved her fiercely”

Ntozake Shange- For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide/ When the Rainbow is Enuf

Seasonal depression is a bitch. Over the past 3 weeks, my closest connections are starting to show some fatigue. I have always dealt with imposter syndrome, but one constant throughout my life is that people don’t really stick around. It is why I hold people at arm’s length until I feel that I can trust them. It feels like when my work-life is going well, my personal life falls apart. Dramatic, I know, but this is a common theme.

The first string to break was my connection to a book club that I was a part of. It was a book club where we read a book from a different woman BIPOC author each month. I loved the concept, but I had one request. When it came to reading books by Black authors, I wanted them to be about something other than Black trauma. We read this fantastic book by Tamaron Hall, “As the Wicked Watch,” and a few days before book club, the person leading always sent out a list of questions. Instead of focusing on the complexity of the relationships in the book, the community of Chicago, and the need for equity in the media and the justice system, the questions were all surrounding black trauma. It was a missed opportunity to explore the complexity and depth of the book.

The second connection to show fatigue is with a partner I have seen for the last year. I met him a couple of months after I had major surgery, also during the pandemic. Ultimately, the person I was 9 months into the pandemic is very different than I am today. At least physically. He mentioned something yesterday morning that I am not sure how to take. I showed him pictures of my friends and told him about a wedding I was attending this summer. He said my friends are conventionally pretty and that he has never really been attracted to conventionally pretty people or people who ascribe to “typical” beauty standards. He also mentioned that “if a woman felt that she needed to do all of that,” meaning makeup and nails, etc., then he wouldn’t be interested. I have mulled over why that bothered me so much, but I think it is because he was describing me. I am that person who likes to feel beautiful, not to align to any specific beauty standard but to have one less thing to be anxious about. We do have excellent communication, and I have expressed some of this to him; I just feel a little lost right now.